That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
