He had one of those small greek statue penises
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My bed smells like the plague
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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