I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
