I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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