1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
