Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
