I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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