dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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