wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
