someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize