i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
