The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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