That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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