Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
two words: eviction party
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
