Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she looked like the before picture.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
