i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
