I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
