Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
