Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
