i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Randomize
