Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
