dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
