I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
