We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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