i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
