The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
