i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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