She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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