The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
