I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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