she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
