Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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