Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
