beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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