He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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