Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
