I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
