Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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