I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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