How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
