I think I won the penis lottery.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
