Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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