Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Bring me that man meat
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
