if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize