hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
