he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
