I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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