After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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