"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
