Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
