My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize