Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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