Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
