I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
