I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
