I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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