the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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