Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
