you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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