i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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