I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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