My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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