When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
