Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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