Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
