So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
