Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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