We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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